Should you always tell the truth to children?

Psychologist Dr. Aric Sigman believes that white lies can actually be good for children’s development:

“It is a natural parental instinct to be economical with the truth with our children, but parents should not feel guilty. White lies are told for a number of reasons… which if told literally would confuse a child, and most importantly because they can be fun. White lies, like the Tooth Fairy and Father Christmas, stimulate imagination and create a sense of enchantment and excitement for children.”

But how easy is it as a parent or caregiver to cross the line between an innocent white lie and more serious deceit which may ultimately have a detrimental effect on a child? Should facts be told in difficult situations, such as when a loved one dies, marriages break down or a parent is sent to prison?

Traditionally, it was thought that children should be protected from difficult facts, with adults believing that children were not emotionally mature enough to cope with being honestly told about difficult situations. Most parents worked under the assumption that what a child doesn’t know won’t harm him, and being ‘too honest’ about a difficult situation will cause someone so young too much distress and confusion.

In contrast to this, modern psychotherapeutic practices encourage parents to tell children the truth, even in challenging circumstances. Virginia Mallin, Little Parachutes’ Resident Psychotherapist, explains how being told the truth is very important for a child (or for anyone – none of us like to feel we are being mislead). She acknowledges how hard it can be for parents when faced with needing to disclose something big and/or painful to their child, but it is often the parent’s own difficulty with the reality of the situation that makes it much harder to find a way to handle it. Denying the truth to a child is often a way out of facing the reality for the parent, and this coupled with a fear that the child will be unhappy with the situation can make putting words to things even more unpalatable. It is often not easy for distressed parents, say going through a divorce or bereavement, to have to deal with the distress of the children as well, and so things get left unsaid with the misguided hope that the children will not notice.

“It is extremely important that a child, when a life event is impacting on him or her, is given the truth. This does not mean that they have to have all the ins and outs, and finding a simple but adequate and honest way to explain a complicated situation is not always easy. But the tuned-in parent will be lead by the child – when a child is not understanding, he will ask for more explanation.” -Virginia Mallin

Research  has revealed that even very young children have an extremely well-developed sense of intuition when it comes to judging people’s emotional states. A child has an almost uncanny ability to see through a ‘false smile’ or a ‘brave face’, and will sense there’s a serious problem occurring even if they are not told about it. Telling them there’s ‘nothing to worry about’ may teach them to stop trusting their own intuition and judgement, or possibly to begin to ‘fill in the missing blanks’ of their knowledge of the situation with terrifying fantasy scenarios (a child not given the true story behind why their parents are divorcing may imagine that they caused it to happen by being naughty, for example) .

“Being told the truth means for the child that they are worth being open with, that they are seen as capable of dealing with reality, and not fobbed off with deception. And when a parent tells the truth, the parent is modelling that reality can be dealt with, that pain or upset can be got through and emotionally survived. The truth gives us all the chance to deal with life and therefore more chance to move through its difficulties. Being told the truth makes us feel of value, and that builds strength of character.” – Virginia Mallin

Article by Claire Ward-Dutton